The Shame Game
Forcing another person to change using the razor-sharp, double-edge sword of shame cuts you and them down simultaneously. It boomerangs as fast as an Aboriginal Australian huntsman can throw it, and only makes you feel worse.
You cannot beat shame at its own game.
Shaming someone into “right” behavior never works. Education, empowerment, and truthful discussions encourage accountability which lead to change, personally and collectively. The Shame Game does not.
We stop judging and shaming others when we stop judging and shaming ourselves. This is the supreme spiritual axiom: If I do not judge and shame myself, I will not judge and shame you. Conversely, if I judge and shame you, I am judging and shaming myself. We see each other as ourselves, whether it’s positively or negatively.
How I see me is how I see you, and how I see you is how I see me.
Intelligence is not enough. We may cognitively know we are one and that hurting you is hurting me, but we continue to hurt each other because we don’t care enough about ourselves deep in our souls. We shame others because we are comfortable shaming ourselves. We feel like we deserve to be shamed. When we are filled with self-love, self-respect, and healthy self-worth we treat one another well because we are treating ourselves well. If I love myself, I no longer seek to hurt you because I no longer seek to hurt myself.
Difficult conversations offer a great opportunity to determine if you are still playing The Shame Game, and if you truly love yourself. You can act loving, and kind, and the other person may still be playing the game. Sometimes our best intentions are just that, intentions; they do not produce the desired effect. If you leave a difficult conversation feeling judged, shamed, or unheard you may want to act out with vengeance. Overcome the urge. If you react poorly, it says much about where you sit on your spectrum of self-worth.
Do not retaliate by using the same weapon to hurt the one who hurt you.
The phrase “Two wrongs don’t make a right” has stood the test of time for a reason. We’ve been passing this wisdom down for thousands of years, probably since the Egyptians were building pyramids, but we ignore it. Why? We choose to inflict pain through retaliation for a momentary ego boost which always fades, forcing us to repeat the fiendish pattern.
We settle comfortably into a delusive chariot of pride, disconnection at the wheel and justification riding shotgun while the divide grows wider.
Let’s go further: Where does this deep-seated desire for revenge come from and why does it drive behavior in much of our interaction? I have come to believe it is a desperate attempt to increase individual self-worth, and some people go to painstaking lengths to feel above another. Instead of acting with love it feels as if we are strutting around bullying each other: on the roads, when not walking fast enough on the street, when trying to get someone to do what we want them to do. Most disturbingly, on the playground.
Understanding that low self-worth is keeping us in a state of shame is great awareness on humanity’s part, but what good is it to know without addressing and eradicating it? When does The Shame Game end? Can we end it? I believe we can.
I wouldn’t be writing this if I didn’t think we had the power to smash it in its tracks.
